I suck at current events

When I saw the headline

Peter Cook Sex Tape Surfaces

I thought

Fig. 1: Eww.

I read the story and saw that it was not about that Peter Cook, who it ends up has been dead for 13 years. No, the sex tape Peter Cook is the one who has divorced / is divorcing Christie Brinkley. Uncool name, sex tape Peter Cook. It's a lot like "Kevin Smith Dies in On-Set Accident," but they were talking about the actor from Xena: Warrior Princess and not the director of such films as Jay and Silent Bob Waste Their Time and Yours.

Say what you will about people – ok, celebrities – naming their children whatever they see in their bowl of Alpha-Bits that morning; at least the interestingly-named won't confuse me when they appear in a sex tape or die suddenly, or preferably appear in a sex tape and die at the same time. Remember the Gene Simmons sex tape from a few months ago? (I do, because the shame lingers.) How awesome would that sex tape have been if, at the end of the sex part, the roof caved in on Gene Simmons? "This awesome," Dave said as he held his hands two meters apart. "Though I wish my arms were longer."