Do not go gently into that Italian deli

Moment of Truth, you are a bad show.

Host: "Did you ever drink while pregnant?"
Morally Suspect Contestant: "Yes."
Voiceover: "That answer is ... [wait thirty seconds] ... true."
Host: "Are your kids ok?"
Morally Suspect Contestant: "Yeah, I'm surprised!"

Way to go, Mother of the Year!

Maybe I'd be in a more forgiving mood if I hadn't had the Hot Spicy Italian Sub for lunch: "prosciuttini, imported hot cappicola, salami, pepperoni, and provolone with lettuce, tomato, onion, hot peppers, oregano, and Italian dressing." I also had them put mayonnaise on it because I thought mayo would add some cool creaminess to it, but I don't think the mayo made a difference. I don't think crushed valium would have made a difference. I finished the sandwich 30 minutes ago and all I want to do now is lie down, rub my belly, and feel the cool breeze of the Adriatic on my cheeks. Also I want to cry. Oh sandwich, how could you betray me with gastric troubles?

"Did you not notice 'hot' was used twice in the description, three times if you count the name of the sandwich?"

My stomach is such a dick.

Maybe milk would help. Let's see the customer reviews on Amazon:

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately dairy-house decree ...

"Out of stock"?! Bah.