Ease my hunger, Fred Thompson

I'm DIE-ing.

(ie dying, but melodramatically)

It's 11:09am and I want to eat the meatloaf that I brought to work. I made it in my slowcooker overnight and it looks really and truly horrible, a veritable waste of ground beef, but I made it and I'm hungry. It's still too soon to eat, though; if we start eating lunch at 11:10am, we'll be hungry for dinner 40 minutes sooner and why I am calling myself "we"?

In accordance with my sudden interest in the tragicomic presidential aspirations of Fred Thompson, I searched for some fine Fred Thompson campaign swag. What I found is not just a window into the soul of a lifelong public servant (and sometime awesome guy in The Hunt for Red October), but also a soul-searching exposé of my ... soul? That just sounds dumb.

On Ebay I found a pretty slick Fred Thompson poster:

Fig. 1: Auction ends in 4 days!

According to the description, the seller received this poster after making a large donation to Thompson's campaign. Maybe the campaign would have been more successful if they hadn't been so stingy with their sweet-ass posters. Still, it's kind of a shame the artist missed the day in art school where they teach you how to paint bald heads without making the subject look like a creepy robot-man made out of clay.

Another seller on Ebay had this delicious button:

Fig. 2: No link because the auction ended. I know, I'm as depressed about it as you are.

Fred's face is supposed to say, "9/11, Iraq, tax cuts, immigration, Reaganomics, mom and apple pie." Fred's face actually says, "I do not enjoy being photographed, even if it's for MY CAMPAIGN TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES." (emphasis mine)

This hat is available indefinitely on Ebay:

Fig. 3: Buy it now!

This was the first Fred Thompson hat I saw, so I was really excited about it until I thought about the phrasing. "Property of Fred Thompson" ... "Property"? Unless one of Fred's campaign promises is to roll back that pesky Emancipation Proclamation, then the hat could have only meaning: to wear it is to indicate your submissive role in your BDSM relationship with Mr. Thompson. The "Fred08.com" on the side of the hat either refers to the year 2008, or to the 8 inches of dick that swing between Thompson's legs. The American flag on the back is so that Fred can salute Old Glory as he rails you from behind. Only $15!

And speaking of Fred08.com, was "Fred2008.com" already taken? Fred 08 is too easily confused with Fredo 8, and we all know (spoiler alert!) Fredo died at the end of Godfather 2. Sloppy work, Team Thompson.

Er, ok, it ends up Fred08.com was a website set up by Thompson or his campaign, but by people who wanted him to run. In that case, they were making hats that screamed, "I subjugate myself to your will, Fred Thompson!" They were also posting photos that shrugged, "I do not enjoy having my photo taken." For example:

Fig. 4: Comfortable in front of the camera: that's why he's an actor!

Eventually I hit the motherlode of quiet desperation: FredThompsonHometown.com, "the only store providing authentic Fred Thompson merchandise from his actual hometown of Lawrenceburg."

First I found the hat I was looking for:

Fig. 5: Better dead than red, thank you very much.

It is, as you can see, red. That's unfortunate.

But then I saw the link for Limited Edition Shirts. In this case, "limited edition" means "on sale for as little as $6:

Fig. 6: "'Limited' to as many as we still have in stock."

Still, $6? You could get a Fred Thompson candle for a buck less:

Fig. 7: Now I'm starting to feel a little bad.

"$5?" you ask. "Why, I could get a Fred Thompson coin purse for two dollars less!" you exclaim.

Fig. 8: Now I just feel mystification.

Maybe there should be a rule: If your official merchandise was transported from an 1890's general store, you shouldn't be allowed to run for President in the 21st century. I'm looking at you, John McCain 2008 Official Coal Shovel.