An open letter to Constantin Makrelis

Dear Constantin Makrelis,

You are a royal douchebag. You called me at 8 am last Sunday morning and hung up as soon as I picked up the phone. You didn't even have the decency to wait a minute and say, "Sorry, wrong number." No, you simply hung up as soon as I picked up. That makes you a douchebag. Or maybe an asshole. If you're googling yourself, I hope this page is one of the first to come up, in which case let's say you're both a douchebag and asshole; perhaps then your day will be ruined in much the same way as my Sunday was ruined.

Saturday night I didn't get home until 1:30 am, Constantin Makrelis. I was deliriously tired, but in a good way, in a "I can sleep in tomorrow morning" way. Sure, maybe I shouldn't have pushed it by starting to watch Halloween 3: Season of the Witch at 2 am, but I figured I could sleep late the next morning.

I'd never seen Halloween 3 before, Constantin Makrelis, but how bad could it be? Constantin Makrelis, it could be pretty bad. Every lead actor was terrible, with bad guy Dan O'Herlihy so mush-mouthed that I couldn't understand him when he explained his evil motivation; I had to look it up online the next morning. (That morning came earlier than expected thanks to you, Constantin Makrelis. But I digress. And I parenthesize. And now I end-parenthesize.)

Do you have an opinion of Halloween 3, Constantin Makrelis? If you do, I don't give a shit because it's the opinion of an asshole and I don't pay attention to the opinions of assholes. What I do pay attention to is my caller I.D.

(I originally put "caller id," but that is too easily confused with "caller id as in caller id, caller ego, and caller superego," so I shall write "caller I.D." which is probably the correct way of writing it anyway. I've got an Associated Press Style Guide within arm's reach, but I don't care enough to flip through it. Oh, am I boring you, Constantin Makrelis? Well fuck you. Maybe you should have thought of that before you woke me up at 8 am on a Sunday morning. Hey, did you know that AP style prohibits the use of "snafu" because of what the "f" stands for? Fun fact!)

My called I.D. got your number, Constantin Makrelis, and googling your number got me your name. It also got me a website that indicated you share your phone number with Katherina Leftheris and Costas Makrelis. Maybe "Costas" is a familiar form of "Constantin" but I'll never know because you hung up on me before I got the chance to ask you. I can safely assume that Katherina Leftheris is a person who isn't you. Maybe she's the one who called at 8 am on a Sunday morning. I doubt it, though, because it's been well established [by me, without anything other than my asshole detecting skills] that you're the asshole in this story, Costantin Makrelis.

Does it bother you that I'm calling you an asshole, Constantin Makrelis? Well, it bothered me that you woke me at 8 am on a Sunday morning and hung up on me. Call it even.

Best,
DYB