This post here

I'm still sick. It stinks. For three days I've been trying to write a post about my two new favorite blogs:

1. Lisa Miceli's Official Blog
   Written by one of Michael Jordan's former mistresses, this blog makes Rosie O'Donnell look like Charles Dickens.
   
   An aside: I went to Rosie O'Donnell's blog to see if it's as crazy as ever. Judging by this part from today's post ...
   

   confetti
   did u see that confetti
   people under estimate
   the value of confetti
   

   ... I'd have to say, "Mmmaybe."
   
   According to the ever-dependable Meadville Tribune, Lisa Miceli sued Michael Jordan for paternity of her child. He had his DNA tested twice but both tests came back negative. Jordan has since filed a something something I don't care because Miceli is continuing her crusade on her blog, which is totally incomprehensible yet endlessly readable. If I were going in for a job interview, I would attempt to memorize one of her posts and recite that as my answer to the interviewer's first question. The interviewer would think "That's the most original response to 'How are you?' I've ever heard. This guy's hired!" Here's a sample from January 31, titled "BUT .. I KNOW THAT KELLY WERNER WAS TRYING TO CLAIM IT AS HER WRITINGS...":
   

   And MJ will give me tickets to his events like MJ and I planned... not you.. he did not know you.. he called you bowlegs... and I am the one with the horse.. not you..... so no, I doubt that he knows you.. unless Star Magazine CALLED YOU.... not me.... or tabloids called you.. or the news called you..... or some blonde haired guy called you Kelly Werner.... or Chad.... or my brother... Kelly... GET A FUCKING LIFE....
   
   Do you not have a lover in your past that you liked and he liked you???? MJ DID NOT WANT TO KNOW YOU KELLY ..... so get your facts straight... I will post photos of my skin... I do not have skin problems... Kelly Werner.... WORRY ABOUT YOUR OWN STD's KELLY .... they are there.... THAT IS PRETTY FUCKING SCARYYYYY.....
   
   OH... and your man..... BAHAHAHHHAAAAA your fucking SCARYYYYYY with your bad skin.... so sad that you are focusing on me, Lisa Miceli sexually and not your MONEY BAGS HAG TACO KELLY WERNER (from what you steal from people)...... who wants to now eat Chinese food all of the time.... MJ will know what that means.... and get that one...
   
   So, no Kelly... I do not need you... you need me to appear clean from drugs when you are not... so please... leave me alone or I will give it right back at you.
   
   LISA MICELI IS LISA MICELI......

   
   
   It goes on like that for awhile. In fact, judging by the end of that post, "All l", I think Miceli reached the maximum number of characters allowed by Blogger for a single post, but didn't feel like going back and removing a couple of dots from her ellipses to be able to finish her thought. You may be asking, "Who's Kelly Werner?" You know, I have no idea. This blog could use a Dramatis Personae, but that would take some of the fun out of it.
   
   
2. And what else is fun? The new blog started by the Transportation Safety Administration. You know, those douchebags who won't let you bring toothpaste on an airplane. Hosted at the TSA's website but also running the Blogger engine, the blog is titled "Evolution of Security" and has the tagline "Terrorists Evolve. Threats Evolve. Security Must Stay Ahead. You Play A Part." In my opinion, that's the best evocation of George Orwell since "If you suspect anything, say everything," but that line had the benefit of being a joke in an episode of 30 Rock. "Terrorists Evolve. Threats Evolve," is basically another delightful attempt at scaremongering from the fine folks who brought you "We think you're bringing your shampoo onboard to make a bomb."
   
   The posts on the TSA blog are more of the vague bullshit that we're used to from that agency, now tossed in with unnecessary attempts at humor. From the post about the necessity of screening shoes: "You'll notice there's no mention of good old shoe bomber Richard Reid yet." You're the federal government; please try to take your job even a little bit seriously. That line about the "good old shoe bomber" was written by Bob. According to the "Meet our bloggers" page, Bob's hobbies include record collecting and photography. Knowing his employer, I'm inclined to think "record collecting" means "personal data collection" and not "rare Beatle LP's," and "photography" means "surveillance."
   
   One of my favorite elements of the blog, aside from learning that TSA blogger Ethel likes ice cream and is a competitive hog caller, is that comments are enabled. Thus every post is filled to bursting with comments from justifiably irate passengers ("At least the clowns at the TSA are having some fun with this. Now, watch this drive.") and sycophantic TSA employees ("I was just on the screening floor prior to writing this and I tried a little experiment. I greeted each passenger with a smile and asked how they were doing. You would not believe how much that little bit of effort changed the climate at the checkpoint."). That last comment? That was Bob again.
   
   Another thing I like about the blog is the complete misunderstanding of chaotic internet culture. To wit:
   

   Don't forget, we want your feedback but it has to be in the right place because we can't move comments around on this blog yet. Post shoe comments and questions in that link, post liquids issues and scientific research proving us wrong in the liquids page. For anyone interested in discussing screening the elderly and children, feel free to comment right here.

   
   Considering there is an average of one official reply for every hundred comments, I don't see why they care where the comments appear. There is much talk of using the blog to "improve things" but there is no indication of which things are going to be improved nor how the blog is going to achieve this. I honestly don't think the TSA has a real plan in place. But watch this drive!