Introducing the Bushnell-o-Smell-o-Vision version 1.0: Poultry

My slow-cooker has been cooking a chicken for the last 7 hours and 41 minutes. The smell has filled the apartment and is driving me crazy with bird-lust. I could leave until it's done, but where would I go? What would I do? Until I get a cellphone jammer there's no point in going to the movies, and until I have friends who are impressed with sale-price dvd's there's no point in going shopping. So here I am pacing this room and counting the minutes until the chicken is ready.

70 minutes.

I had set the timer on the slow-cooker for 9 hours. If you do the math, you'll see it took me 9 minutes to write that first paragraph. I'm not a slow typer; I had to get up and look at the chicken, to gaze upon its beige deliciousness.

I don't know if I'm properly conveying the FUCKING AMAZING aroma coming from the slow-cooker. Thus, using the latest advancements in Van Eck phreaking, I have created the Bushnell-o-Smell-o-Vision. (I'm still undecided on a number for it. I'm leaning toward 5000; I think I'll save the 9000 for the next release.)

The science behind it is ridiculously simple. All computer monitors emit radiation in specific patterns. Van Eck phreaking is a process by which the radiation can be measured and decoded to reproduce the exact contents of the screen's display. With a powerful enough antenna, someone could sit in a van outside your house and see on their screen what you see on yours. Whether the monitor is cathode ray tube or LCD is irrelevant as long as you adjust for both types of emission.

Now that we understand the radiation emission of monitors, it should be a simple matter to create images with specific radiation profiles that will affect senses other than sight, like smell, for instance. It should be a simple matter ... and it is. A quick Google search yielded the radiation profiles of various common smells, and all I had to do was create a jpeg using the exact color/resolution settings to simulate the smell of a chicken that has been cooking for ~7.5 hours.

(It was a quick Google search, but you have to know the exact search terms. I'll not be sharing those terms until the US Patent and Trademark Office gets back to me about my patent application. I paid extra for the Holiday Express Patent Application because you'd be surprised how many patent applications are filed during the holiday season. Most of the applications are for crowd control/silent death devices, so I'm hoping mine will stand out and breeze through the process.)

Here. Put your nose against the square below and take a good whiff.

Fig. 1: Can you smell me now?

50 minutes.

If you're having trouble using the Bushnell-o-Smell-o-Vision 5000/9000, try putting your monitor next to a slow cooker that's been cooking a chicken for ~7.5 hours.

Mmm ... heavenly.