Waking up is hard to do

Yesterday was another production day at the Sheaf, which resulted in the usual delightful endgame at 10pm. Everything on my end which had caused problems in previous issues was dealt with prior to sending the paper to the printer, but there was an obstacle with a full-page ad. That was annoying. And this story I'm telling now? Not interesting.

Here, try my newest ringtone. You can use it; I almost never get calls on my cellphone, so people will think you made the ringtone yourself. Then you'll end up popular, more popular than you've ever been before, but you'll be saddled with a secret so guilty that it will eventually tear you apart and give you the clap.

Fortunately for you, the clap is (apparently) easily treatable with antibiotics, so really, you have no reason not to use my ringtone.