Mike Green, check your email

Rebecca, I think you already check your email regularly, so there's no need to alert you.
Trish, I finally got the package I sent to myself from Florida, which means your Christmas present is on its way.
Justin, you should come to class.
Kevin, your team needs more defense.
Colleen, you should offer to borrow your boyfriend's car so we can go to see Hostel.
Colleen's boyfriend, you're a righteous dude.
Nancy, I keep meaning to email you to ask for Aunt Jeannie's address.
Leah, in theory I could just ask you.
Ulyana, I guess you might have her address, too.
Taissa, I never write to you and I'm sorry.
postsecret.com, I keep meaning to write to you but then I'd be crossing that sacred irony threshold.
WFMU, thanks for posting the complete Jan Pehechan-Ho clip.
Maura, you never read this so I'm going to have to email you that link.
Mom, you don't read this either, but I doubt you'll dig the clip as much.
Crystal, you need to read (and return) Drop City.
Mike Engelhardt, I've got this great book you should read called Drop City.
Jessica, I want to sell your art on the internet.
Professor-guy in CMPT 350, if my "Mattress Master" website doesn't get me an A, I'll spend even more time in class daydreaming about murdering you.

Everybody, the first assignment for CMPT 350 involves making a webpage for some business called "Mattress Master". Content-wise there aren't a lot of rules, so I'm including the lines:

"Obey the Mattress Master! Find succor in his low low prices! You will bow down before the glory of the Mattress Master, knave!"

and I'm including this image:

(I think I'm going to have to PhotoShop it so it's more mattress-y.)

Mike Love, I can't remember if it's you or Al Jardine who looks like that guy, but either way you're still a douche.
Oster, you're the best damn smoothie machine ever. If you were anything other than a blender, calling you a "smoothie machine" would be downright dirty.
The Sheaf, you need to get an additional copy editor (or just pay me).
[Your name here], I'm sorry I forgot you.
Canada, now you know how I felt at the end of Election Day 2004.
Campus pub, your wings are lousy and that's OK.
Hooters, your wings are great and that's not OK.
New York, I miss your pizza.
Montreal, I miss your transit system.
New York, I miss your transit system, too, but your pizza is more important.
Chicago, you had good pizza as well, but let's not kid ourselves.
Saskatoon, sometimes in the right light you're kinda pretty. It's just a shame that your women aren't. Oh snap!