Mama's little angel plays pocket pool

At a certain point, making a grilled cheese sandwich becomes muscle memory. There's nothing wrong with that, despite what the pretty eco-lesbians would have you believe. A grilled cheese sandwich is certainly better for you than half a pumpkin pie with whipped cream.

(Half a pumpkin pie with whipped cream was my first choice, but it had taken me so long to get to it that the "half a pumpkin pie" part of the equation was starting to grow mold. I hate it when sweets go to the great dessert cart in the sky.)

Which is my way of saying, "Yes, it's been ages since I've written anything." Following the example of my personal savior Jesus Christ, I have this to say: I blame you.

If you hadn't gone and told me, "My friend so-and-so reads your blog and thinks it's hilarious," I'd not have felt the pressure to write something hilarious. See, that's why I don't want to be funny for a living: if you're funny once, then people expect more of the funny, and I can't be funny on command. I'm not your personal clown-boy. That's why I go months or years without contacting friends and loved ones -- the funny bank is insolvent, and we're undergoing a hostile takeover, and we know you don't come to the bank for the Bob Ross paintings on the walls.

Speaking of Bob Ross, this evening I went to Amigos to see a banal band called "Caribou". My friends are clearly lacking in musical knowledge, else they'd have told me not, "I saw Caribou this summer; they were great," but instead would have told me, "I saw Caribou this summer. If you want to see a trio from Manitoba doing a ninth-rate rip-off of Neu!, you can't go wrong with Caribou." Fuck. I left after a few songs because I figured, "I can drink at home and listen to Neu 2 and not have to make drunken shouting small talk with two Sheaf editors and a friend of SawMeNakedLastSpring."

As far as logical reasoning goes, that one was freakin' airtight.

In other news:

Valerie Bertinelli and her rock star husband, Eddie Van Halen, are divorcing after 24 years of marriage, Bertinelli's publicist confirmed Tuesday.

To which I say, "Valerie Bertinelli has a publicist?! Bang-up job so far."