I'll miss you most of all, Nyquil.

My new record player is awesome. It's so awesome that I don't think I need more than the two records I already have. Oh, that sounds terrible, doesn't it?

I'm finally getting over my cold. It's a blast not being in misery, but I'm having trouble moving away from the "feed a cold" strategy which was so much fun this last week; I ate four meals today -- that was awesome, though not as awesome as the record player.

I found out that Bruce Campbell's Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way is available as an audiobook at Apple's iTunes Music Store. It's pretty steep at $24.99, but I guess that's as much as the book itself and for that price you get several hours of Bruce Campbell's dulcet tones making everything ok. I'd like to think that Bruce Campbell would be cool to meet, but he doesn't seem to suffer fools or sycophants gladly and I have few other tools in my "Meeting Cool Bastards" toolbox.

Are the sentences getting longer, or am I getting shorter? Personally, I'm just glad that the Post Secret guy has mostly moved away from the fancy juxtaposition garbage he tried in the October 16 update. The latest update has one card that reads "I am 33 and have been married for 11 years. I've slept with 68 men so far in my life. My husband was only #43." That makes me want to cry. And shower. And wonder if this postcard was written by one of the fine ladies on the Dave Bushnell Wall of Fame, and if so, what number I was.

I know I was one girl's 100th, because afterwards she gave me a cake and threw confetti. That's classy (and a lie), and it makes me wonder if I should give out party favours as a nice post-coital thank you. "Hey, that was super. Have some jelly beans and a scratch-off card."

Speaking of which (?), while I was the iTunes Music Store I picked up the audiobook of Robert Evans' The Kid Stays in the Picture, read by the man himself. I haven't listened to it yet (it's six hours long) but I'm hoping it's as life-affirming as the first two chapters of The Da Vinci Code were rage-inducing. (Relax, that was an illegal download, not an iTunes purchase. I'm a thief, not an idiot.)

On Saturday I watched The Machinist, aka Lose 80 Pounds the Christian Bale Way. Keeping one eye on the clock as it played, I noted that at 84 minutes I was ready for the movie to end. It ended at 96 minutes. Thus, the movie was 12 minutes too long. I think I'd like to try rating movies that way -- when I've had enough of the movie, I'll look at the time, and then I'll note the time at the end of the movie and that will be my judgement: "This movie was XX minutes too long." For movies that are not long enough, I'll note how much time after the movie I'll spend wishing I were still watching the movie: "This movie was XX minutes too short." The Lady Vanishes (either version, really) was at least 7 minutes too short.

It makes at least as much sense as the Capalert system. Is Capalert fake? How the fuck should I know. This is the end of his review for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory:

I may do a comparative of this film with Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory of 1971. Having seen it, I expect it to earn near the same score as this 2005 version. If we can afford to do so. I still have to pay for the transportation to get it. And the food, housing, electricity, insurance, medical /prescription/dental, school expenses, clothing, ...

OK, what? First of all: that weird comma-ellipsis ending was all his. Second: what? If this guy is not insane, then I clearly don't know the meaning of the word. And if he is insane, I hope it's not a Machinist-style insanity; how many arms must Michael Ironside lose before we've learned our lesson?!