"This supervillain of parcel delivery"

What I love is going to the UPS website and looking up the tracking info for my package, and seeing this note from yesterday at 4:34 p.m. :

THE RECEIVER WAS UNAVAILABLE TO SIGN ON THE 1ST DELIVERY ATTEMPT. A 2ND DELIVERY ATTEMPT WILL BE MADE

I love seeing that because I love fantasy. I was home yesterday, all goddamned day. I phoned UPS at 3:30 p.m. yesterday and was told that because I called them at 9 a.m. that morning with my door code information, the package could not be delivered that day. And yet, apparently a delivery attempt was made an hour after I made that phone call. There was no sticker on my apartment door or on the front door of my building indicating a delivery attempt was made, but the driver seems to be under the impression that a delivery attempt was made indeed. I called UPS this morning and asked about this system of not attempting delivery but claiming otherwise, and the phone slave was stumped, sympathetically asking me if I wished to lodge a complaint.

Hell yes I want to lodge a complaint, but I can't. "This supervillain of parcel delivery", as I referred to the driver, is out there with my package, and I can't lodge a complaint because who knows what the fuck this psychopath is capable of doing? Who knows if my package is even still in one piece? This goddamned brown-collar prole probably cut open the box and sold the contents to support his lifestyle, complete with gap-toothed hookers and detergent-based blow, and now he's just trying to maintain the illusion of attempting to deliver my package so that he's kept on the payroll for another day.

And see, I thought the old saying "Another day, another gap-toothed hooker and spoonful of detergent-based blow" was something entirely mythical, like a good Fleetwood Mac song. But no ... it's real, and it's fucking me over.