Left Behind (regarding rock and roll, not the Christian Apocaplypse book series)

I never "got" Oasis. From what I gather, they're a couple of Morlock-looking brothers and some spear-carrying supporting players who perform white noise disguised as arena rock. Sometime around 1997 an acquaintance was telling me that he felt old because his little sister was listening to his Oasis CD's. My response was a knowing, "Yeah, how about that," because I had no idea who Oasis were.

It's eight years later, and I still have no idea who Oasis are. I'm an old man and I don't have the time or patience to listen to whatever major label crap comes down the pipe. My friends are no help because they expose me only to music they like, for which I am infinitely grateful; my friends tend to have excellent taste. (Also, replace "my friends" in the previous sentence with "WFMU deejays", and it's still true.)

I tried reading a Village Voice review of the latest Oasis album and I'm no further along in my Oasis knowledge. To be fair, I should have known better; reviews in the Voice are usually just low-grade lit-crit wankery. All the same, I got suckered into reading this particular review because the Voice's front page was so damnably deceptive: there, the article was titled "Were Oasis Ever Cool?" See, that doesn't even sound like an album review; it sounds like an essay on how much Oasis sucks, has sucked, and will continue to suck -- that's my kinda article!

But noooo ... Go to the article itself and the title has changed from "Were Oasis Ever Cool?" to "Through Being Cool". It has gone from what sounds like a snobbish rhetorical question, to a totally ambiguous response to that question. Even the definition of "cool" is suspect in the latter title; it could mean "cool like Fonzie" or "cool like passionless" (they are English, you know). And further questions arise: does "through being cool" mean that the band has dropped its coolness (whether of the Fonzie or passionless variety) or does it mean that the music industry, fans, and/or critics have dropped them from the Grand List of Cool? AAAAHHHHHH!

Perhaps some of my issues with the title of the article would be resolved if I knew more about the band, but I don't, so there. I can't keep track of all the goddamn single-name ShitPop BritPop bands that popped up in the 90's (oh, aren't I the cleverest boy in school!). According to the article, Oasis has produced six albums. How about that. The only Oasis song I've heard is that fucking awful "Champagne Supernova" song. Where was I while you were getting high? I was ANYWHERE ELSE. Jesus, can you imagine how awful it would be to hang out with Oasis when they were getting high? I mean, it might be fun if you stayed sober and somehow got them to choke on each other's vomit, or stole their credit card numbers, or took photos of their wee English wieners and sold them to Hello! -- but barring those, it would be hell. Sheer, unadulterated, mono-browed hell.

But hey, at least you wouldn't have to worry about being cool. They're through with that. Thanks for the tip, Village Voice!