Good day, sunshine!

Dear Home-Owning Friends,

Before you do anything else today, buy sheets of high grade metal (preferably adamantium, though stainless steel will suffice in a pinch) and cover your roof with them. This will spare you the necessity of having your shingles replaced in the indeterminate, dystopian, possibly post-apocalyptic future. Please do not ever have to get your shingles replaced. Replacing the shingles will go badly. "$2800 extra" badly. "I don't know how the original builder got away with this" badly.

OK, perhaps I was being overly dramatic by saying "possibly post-apocalyptic". Though really, if you can wait to have your roof replaced until after the apocalypse, do it. Instead of "It'll cost $2800 extra," you might hear "It'll cost 70 bottlecaps, three plasma cells, and a couple vials of antidote for irradiated scorpion venom."

Admittedly, $2800 comes out to $700 per shareholder, but ... damn. That's like nine copies of the Alien Quadrilogy. But really: what am I going to do with nine copies of the Alien Quadrilogy anyway? I'd need an additional eight TV's and DVD players to get the fullest enjoyment out of them all.

But nine TV's ... chicks would dig that.

Damn you, roof! I could have had chicks were it not for you!